Open And Eager

I sat there mindless, without a clue of what I was about to embark on. People passed by like the fast rushing waterfalls of Yosemite. It would be impossible to merge into their traffic of busy schedules, late appointments and anger. I didn't need to get up for atleast an hour. I just sat there with my Mai Tai, getting into the spirit of my Hawaiian get away. My, much needed Hawaiian get away. I didn't tell anyone I was going, I would call who ever I dubbed important when I arrived, settled down and after I had accomplished something out of the ordinary. Not that getting up and going to Hawaii wasn't out of the ordinary enough.
I woke up two days ago and said to myself, "I'll never do anything if I don't start now." I have lived in fear without being aware of my fears. I have been on a search for the meaning, what meaning? I'm not sure. But I'm sure it's something deep and hopefully satisfying. I've read enough self-help books to officially be called a psycho. I relate to most all of them and I get excited about the possibilities they present after they have explained, "I've been there too." Their ideas and concerns sound promising off the tongue as I read the words out loud. But, soon those very same words soar through the smoky incense and get lost in the next cough that sails them out the open window into that lost world.
I thought studying Buddhism would be the answer. I do take pleasure in the philospohy, but I am not diciplined enough to reach higher states. I picked up many books on the teachings. I return to them periodically when I need strength, but like the self-hlep books their words leave me quickly and without a good-bye. I never had a formal relationship, but to leave me with nothing, hurts. I already feel I'm wasting my time as it is. There goes another five hours, and then six, and then days are lost to mislaid choices.
No, I'm not terribly negative. On the surface I look as if like couldn't be more euphoric. I boast about the good things in my life, my family, my home, my job, my friends, but inside those french doors looms an unhappy, unfulfilled girl hunting for something bigger.
I hate this feeling. It makes me feel as if I am unappreciative. I'm thankful for my life and I thank God everyday for giving me this wonderful opportunity. I don't want more things. Material things have never been on my list (although I could get spoiled easily).
I want something more profound and electric. Something that will leave me in awe and lead my life towards helping others in need and allow me to let go of all the demons that plague me. I know I can't be the the only one who yearns for an independant existance that is not limited to external factors. Something beautiful enough to drop me to my knees in utter amazement and permit me to believe there are greater moments that make up this life that so depressed me for years. I cannot wait for others to guide me, this is a solo mission. Just me and my heart, mind and soul.
So, here I am. I have nothing to show but shelves stuffed with books and stacks of pathetic journal entries. I hardly have money to my name because I have never been good at saving anything. I bought my ticket and packed a small bag with enough to carry me through what it is I need. I figure I don't need much to search my soul, just an awake mind, an eager heart and a body that is tearng at the bits to use itself to climb mountaints, swim in the ocean and take me to the edges of where I think I'll find that deeper answer that has caused me such affliction.