Have I ever stood for something I really believed in? I honestly cannot remember. There are times I wish I would have spoken up and stated my opinion, but nothing, so far, has left me any genuine trouble. The tribulation I face is with myself. In the end, it is those lingering thoughts that remain in my head of what I should or shouldn't have said. That is the worst part of not stating what I believe. But, life moves on to the next trivial thing.
I feel lost in this world (I'm sure everyone has said this at one time or another in their life). I look around and the details of my life seem to be fine (on the surface they seem to be fine). The house is clean, the laundry washed, folded, put away; the dishes are done, the floor is swept, and the pillows are straightened on top the made bed that morning. Work is good, no complaints. I go, work and come back home. Sometimes I go out and change the routine, but most days during the week I can be very predictable. There is nothing wrong with habit; it keeps us on track.
I keep up with my hobbies: reading, writing, baking and trying to learn something new. I am intrigued with life and yearn for more knowledge. I want to travel and visit places I only see on maps or hear in the news (everyone wants that opportunity). I am nobody out of the ordinary; in fact, I feel so "normal" that that might be the problem with my sense of meaninglessness.
What am I supposed to do in this life that should give me fulfillment? Or, is it that life is this way: mundane, with the exception of a couple days a month where we think life couldn't get better (if we are lucky enough to even have those couple days a month). This can't be true. Life has to be more exciting. What about all those happy people we read about and hear of their exciting lives? Are they pretending or are their stories real?
Oh, what is the use of analyzing life? Some days are good and some are bad, that's it, end of story. When I think too much I find how much more disappointed I really am with life. No, how disappointed I am with my life. Why can't my life be more exciting? Others say, "It can!" Well, of course it can. I just have to work through the pits of this journey and not get too down on myself so I can reach up again when the time comes.
How do I continue to get through those dull days when all I really want to do is say, "Enough is enough. I'm out!" as I walk out of the office and into my car and drive to where I will find serenity for the moment. Maybe it's a massage or a fabulous lunch with myself, or maybe all I need is a worthy walk on the beach with my dog who will forever love me no matter what I do or say with my life. Later, I will go home, look around and realize what I have just done. My head will hang low as it will the next day when I go back to work and apologize for my inappropriate and immature behavior.
It's not work, though. Work is something we have to do to survive in this society. That is a part of life. Part of life? Life, as a pie, has its pieces that make up a whole. We can't bake a pie in the oven with a slice missing. We could, but sides would burn and the inside of the pie would be cooked too much to actually taste good. A pie, like life works with all its parts: work, play, sex, relationships, exercise, laughter, romance, adventure. Even one piece missing makes less of an enjoyable life. Does this mean that we must participate in each one of these acts everyday in order to be happy (or, at least forget that we are unhappy for the moment), or is it monthly? Annually?
What about those people that never get the chance? Those born into poverty, abuse, no education or right nutrition? What about them? Do they even have thoughts of a more "enjoyable life?" Maybe this is all they know? Is it better, then, to be ignorant of life's pleasures or to be aware of them, and not obtain them?
Why do I plague myself with questions that may never get answered? I drive myself crazy with assumptions. Where does all this worry lead me? Nowhere, usually.
When will I stand up for my life? When will I look myself in the mirror and say, "No more being average and ordinary! No more thinking your life is mundane or that life has to be mundane. No, you will go for it, you will fight for what you believe in, stand up and be proud of who you are what you want to do!"
If life's fulfillment is about following our passions and living a life we have always envisioned for ourselves, then so be it. If that should be my path, I will follow it. But, will I follow it? I guess that is the question to be answered.
It is not about life being boring or having to do things we don't want to do. It's about living our life and pursuing our own personal goals to get better.
Life is good and can be great. It is up to us whether we get to experience this joy, the pleasures. It is not fair to complain about life and how terrible it can be. It's not fair to assume life has to be a certain way. It's not fair to ourselves, to our journey. It's my own fault, my own laziness that I have not fought for myself. If I don't like it, why don't I change it all? What is holding me back?
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