Someone You're Not? That's Hard...

Am I constantly fighting who I really am? Do I do this to please? To look beautiful? To be someone else? Someone who has it all together? Have I ever been myself in this life? Have I been true to myself? What I love? What I put faith in? I ask these questions because I wonder if maybe I have been enduring a struggle that was unnecessary. Do I need to change or alter who I am? Do I even need to be myself? The answer seems an obvious, "yes!" Right? Then--next question-- why has it been so hard to just be me?
Maybe it has been hard because I don't like who I am or what I look like. But, as I have found, trying to be someone else is even harder, it's exhausting in fact. I never realized because I was trying so hard to be: skinny, with straight hair, a perfectly manicured appearence, without looking too done up for fear of "trying to hard." I want to have the smarts, the sociability, the beauty. I want to appear healthy and perfect.
I want to be something I'm not.
This is not to say I can't be healthy and organized. I need--of coarse--a balance; and, of course I shouldn't give up on challenges because I have discovered, "it's not me."
A balance is so important because without I am struggling; struggling, when life can be less stressful and more beautiful.
I am Sonia Myers (previously Sonia Iverson). I am 5 foot, 3 1/2 inches, and at this moment I weigh 157 pounds. Normally, I weigh between 135-140 pounds (when I desperately want to weigh 125 pounds). I have broad shoulders, a thick waist, masculine looking hands and short, chubby toes. I have thick, course, dark brown, curly hair, and dark circles under my eyes (because my eyes are deep set, regardless of sleep). I've never been the best at anything (except multiplication tables in the 5th grade), but I have tried and I acknowledge that hard work can go a long way. I love to read and write, but I am terrible at writing. I say I want to be a writer, but I don't always put forth the energy. So, am I following the wrong path? I'm not sure, yet.
I have sensitive skin and a tendancy to be lazy. I also have the tendancy to be depressed and sad. I fought it for many years and I continue to fight it, it's just easier since I found my soul mate.
I've never had an abundance of money or had really nice things. I have love, though. I have a beautiful, close family that cares about each other immensely. We enjoy spending time with each other and we always have something to say to one another.
I love to talk, but I also have social anxiety disorder. I'm afraid to be too close to anyone. I have always been a doormat for my friends and co-workers. Not family. I have been selfish with my family (I despise that stupid trait).
I have always blow-dried my hair because I think my natural curly, frizzy, thick hair is unattractive. So, I spend too much time in the morning grooming myself because I honestly believe people will think I am just a stupid Mexican girl with no education, and talk down to me. Has this happened? Or, do I do this to others? Maybe I am the racist one?
So, who am I, really? I believe I am the girl I just described. Who do I want to be? I want to be the Woman that I just described. I really want to be exactly who God made me to be.
I am smart, mature and ready. I'm spontaneous and adventurous when I want to be. I need to push myself because that's how I get things done. Nothing really comes natural to me. This is not for me to feel sorry for myself, it's for me to know what it is I need to do to stay in balance with who I am and what I can do.
I tend to bring myself down because I feel I'm not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough. But, that's not true. I am Sonia Myers, married woman, expectant mother.
Life is a challenge, yes. What is it that I need to do in order to be at peace with myself?
Start by being myself. Just me. Not the image of what I want to portray. Me, Sonia, with curly hair and a voluptuous, athletic body. Me, that can be lazy at times. Me, that loves to read, spend time with my family, go to Church and attempt to keep a tidy house. I'm not perfect, I cannot pretend to be. Nobody is perfect, but that doesn't mean I am to compare myself with others to make myself feel better. I also can't pretend to be happy and flawless.
Part of being human is knowing we are always at work with ourselves. There is always, always room for improvement. That's the beauty of it all; It keeps our minds moving and in shape. We need to continue learning because otherwise we start dying. Our souls die without excitement.
Life doesn't have to be the way we think it should be or the way it makes sense to the world. We can create a life of abundance, beauty and creativity, just being ourselves. Everything is within reach, as long as we go for it and make it our own. As long as we stay true to ourselves. Staying true to ourselves shouldn't be hard, but that's just what we think.
I have decided to challenge myself. My first biggest challenge (although may sound absolutely ridiculous to anyone else) is to not blow-dry my hair for at least three months solid, no matter what!
My second challenge: follow my dream to write, whole heartedly; and, stop telling people I write terribly, and just get better.
My third challenge: STOP trying to look good and just be me!